What It Feels Like: I Thought I Was Managing My Anxiety—Then It Came Roaring Back

What It Feels Like is a series of personal essays written by individuals about their own experiences and the aspects of treatment and support that they feel have helped them. The authors are not mental health experts, and the information in the essays is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult a qualified mental health expert if you have specific mental health concerns or conditions. If this is an emergency, call 911 immediately.

I first realized I had an anxiety problem back in 2014. I'd recently started grad school and the intense workload sent my mind into a chaotic spiral. To be clear, this wasn’t the first time I experienced anxiety—I’ve always been somewhat of a nervous ball of energy—but it was the first time I recognized anxiety as a legitimate problem.

What had previously been on-and-off pangs of anxiety had escalated to a more constant stream of worry that seemed to engulf me. It became harder to do everyday tasks, from school assignments to socializing, without fantasizing about catastrophic outcomes or second-guessing myself every time I spoke or acted. I'd also begun experiencing muscle tension and occasional headaches, which, fortunately, weren’t debilitating.

My doctor confirmed that it was an issue, and prescribed antidepressants. While the medication helped dampen the anxiety, it also made me feel emotionally flat, walled-off, and robotic.

Gaining Control

Still, the medication was enough to allow me to function and, for a couple of years, I half-heartedly tried to solve the anxiety issue by trying out different dosages of antidepressants and sporadically going to therapy. Around 2018, when I started to experience some depression alongside the anxiety, I decided to put in the work to address my mental health. With the help of my doctors, I landed on the antidepressant (and dosage) that worked for me and committed to one therapist for longer than I ever had before. I even began taking a few notes during sessions to help absorb all that we discussed. Overall, I made a stronger effort to be attentive to my thoughts and moods; I tried journaling and meditation.

Within six months, I was feeling really good. I had a clearer sense of what I wanted in life (from friendships to sex to work), and fewer decisions were being dictated by anxious worry. I learned how to quiet the internal monologue that nagged me: “You should do this. You shouldn’t’t do that.” I was more present and, generally, able to function a whole lot better. This détente with my anxiety lasted almost two years.

Setup for a Setback

In early 2020, I moved from Canada to Germany—not for any work or romantic reasons—I just wanted an adventure and a change. Naturally, moving continents was a little stressful; yet, during the move, the anxiety stayed at bay.

Two weeks after my move, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. My initial reaction was that this was not ideal; but surprisingly, my mental health stayed solid. There were a few anxious spikes here and there, mostly due to the inevitable confusion in the early days of the first lockdowns, but relative to many other people, I was doing well.

When the first pandemic summer came and things reopened, life seemed to chug along pretty smoothly, all things considered. Looking back, I realize that, as the end of 2020 approached, I'd become a little too complacent with my new, low-anxiety outlook on life. At the very least, I hadn't braced myself for how punishing the fall and winter would be.

Downward Spiral

In early November, much of the city closed and stayed shut for nearly seven months. The opportunities for socializing were severely reduced and there were few places to go for a change of scenery.

By early 2021, my mental health was crumbling. The mundanity of everyday life was depressing, and with so much free time to think, my anxiety also came back forcefully. My mind continuously cycled through things to worry about: Would the isolation cost me the new friendships I’d made the previous summer? Shouldn't I be using all this time at home to do something useful? Was moving overseas actually the right decision?

Perhaps the biggest worry was about the anxiety itself: How do I stop these thought patterns?

There was a distinct feeling that the work I'd done to resolve my anxiety wasn’t enough. Even worse, I felt more anxious than my previous low point—in spite of all my efforts and therapy over the last few years.

This return to a state of worry and stress seemed worse than ever before—but not because the anxiety was stronger. Rather, the anxiety made me feel worse because I thought that I'd learned how to manage it. Once it became clear that the newly-returned anxiety wasn’t going away easily, my confidence in my ability to handle my mental health was shattered. It was a pretty destabilizing experience.

Getting Back to Okay

There was a helplessness to this feeling, and the seemingly endless lockdown only amplified it. But as the city started to reopen, there was just enough of an optimistic air for me to at least think about how I could manage the anxiety. Increasing my medication wasn't an option, and therapy was off the table, since the only therapists around were either too expensive or had no availability.

Finding other solutions took some work. I brainstormed all possible strategies for addressing my anxiety. I read through therapy notes, and made a list of approaches to try: everything from journaling and meditation to writing little Post-it notes reminding me to put on music or do something nice to distract myself from my own anxious thoughts.

I threw everything at the wall to see what would stick, and gradually I started moving in the right direction. I also didn’t burn through all my options: While I contemplated trying out online or tele-therapy, I never got around to it, so that’s an option for me to consider in future.

While my “relapse” felt worse than any previous anxiety, it had one silver lining—it wasn’t my first rodeo. I realized that all the work I'd previously done to address my anxiety, all the tools I'd developed, were always at my disposal. And once I figured out which ones were working for me—my anxiety suddenly felt manageable again. More importantly, it no longer felt like handling my mental health was work. I now know that I always have access to the tools I need to dig myself back out of an anxiety hole.

Resources

The following helplines and websites can provide information and support for people living with anxiety:

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